Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
