if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
