just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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