Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
