On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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