I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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