just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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