You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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