i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Randomize
