At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
