Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
