Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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