Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
third nipple confirmed
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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