So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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