Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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