eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
