Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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