complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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