thus making me awesome and them whores
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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