Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
