im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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