I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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