you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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