i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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