somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize