i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
