I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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