I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
