I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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