You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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