I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
