turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
