I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
