Me too!
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
