You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
