if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
