I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
