You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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