I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Please don't give away my fajitas
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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