Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
