why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
