I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Drake has all the answers
Randomize
