Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
