maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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