why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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