I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
