the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you didnt know i had herpes?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You took a bar mat shot.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
