You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
