The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
