Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize