her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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