I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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