Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
