His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
