Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
When are your genitals available?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
