My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
