textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I checked into jail on foursquare
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
And then my night got REAL pukey
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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