yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Randomize
