Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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