I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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