12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
