I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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