i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
